Curiouser and Curiouser: Announcing A Journey Through The Artist's Way

Ruminations Letter ❧ 6

“I am out with the lanterns looking for myself.”

- Emily Dickinson

There’s this awful feeling that gnaws at your gut when you know you’ve strayed from your path.

It feels like sinking into an internal void, looking up at a pinhole light and thinking, oh, we’re here? Alice knows the feeling well, and like Alice, it’s only a matter of time before one gets used to the fall — suddenly, you forget you fell in the first place.

I took a fall a few months ago and spiralled my way down down down into a ghost-like apparition of myself. I looked like me, sounded like me, and acted like me, but for the longest time didn’t feel like me. And feeling is everything. This ghoul that wore my clothes and borrowed my tongue wasn’t really a ghoul at all but the dissociative manifestation of my efforts to embody something I was not. Shedding this shivering mirage has been…tricky.

When I close my eyes, I am faced with a blurred rush of thoughts, words, ideas, judgments and criticisms. My mind pings like a notification centre - more ! to ! do ! here!

I struggle to know where best to direct my attention, where to avoid at all costs, and where to find the nuggets of wisdom within that deep mental muck. Of late, entering my mind has felt like sticking my hands into a big, greasy sink of dirty dishes - going in blind and doing my best to avoid the food clumps and knives in search of my favourite mug.

Blegh.

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

Over the past few months, I became all-consumed by this need to be “perfect”. To be a brilliant critical care nurse who commits her brain to the complexity of the human body and her own body to round-the-clock care. To be a writer whose mind runs in glorious tangents, whose poetry manifests on the page with ease and prowess, and whose voice rings true and unwavering to crowds of readers and fellow writers. To have everything together, to have a sharp mind and agile body and the charisma of a social butterfly. Never mind among any of this that I am simply and utterly me.

I’ve been juggling different “heads”, so to speak, and overwhelming myself unnecessarily. I’ve tried to morph into a conglomeration of the best parts of everything I identify with without taking a moment to reflect on whether it resonates with me, and if it is what I actually want to become. I’ve worked myself to the bone only to realise with awful clarity that I am well and truly burnt out.

For months I have been running my own caucus race. At last, I’ve appointed myself Dodo and announced “The race is over!”. There are no winners here: my prize was confusion and bone-deep exhaustion. Attempts to achieve vague and extrinsically motivated goals hurt both me and my art. All this self-imposed pressure has whittled down my spark to an ember and I’ve barely written anything in months — except this.

I began Ruminations at the beginning of my small winter spiral and it was quite literally the best decision I could have made for myself and my writing. I’ve consistently shown up here month after month and been rewarded with a growing community of readers, writers and ruminators alike. Writing these letters has stretched my mind creatively and forced me to pause, reflect, and weave together bodies of writing in a way I haven’t attempted before. And you’re here. I’m smitten by you. Receiving your comments and reply emails (which I adore and encourage you to do if you feel so inclined!) makes my day and this process has reminded me why I believe I exist:

To write.

To share.

To tell stories that people find solace in.

“Something in me wants more. I can’t rest.”

- Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

I’m committing my heart to words.

After straying so sharply and drastically from myself and my purpose, finding my way back has renewed my passion trifold and I am so excited to write. I’m ready to dig deep and explore my creative identity more intensely, which is why I have decided to begin a twelve-week journey through The Artists’ Way by Julia Cameron.

And I’d like you to join me.

“The Artist's Way provides a twelve-week course that guides you through the process of recovering your creative self… Its step-by-step approach enables you to transform your life, overcome any artistic blocks you may suffer from, including limiting beliefs, fear, sabotage, jealousy and guilt, and replace them with self confidence and productivity. It helps demystify the creative process by making it a part of your daily life.

Whatever your artistic leanings, this book will give you the tools you need to enable you to fulfil your dreams.”

- The Artist’s Way Blurb

What you can expect:

• Over the next 12 weeks, I will be sharing weekly updates on my progress through The Artist’s Way, including my thoughts on the course and any challenges I face.

• If you’ve been thinking about doing the course too, this is your sign to join me, and if you’re a curious creative and want to watch how my journey unfolds, I’d love to have you here.

• Each week will be an opportunity for us to connect in the comments and chat to discuss the week’s themes and lessons.

• Go at your own pace - if you’re joining us late, don’t stress. Posts will remain free to access and comment on in the future so you can join when you are ready to! By then you may find there’s an archive of comments for you to relate and reply to.

I’m beyond excited to begin The Artist’s Way with you on Ruminations. Your presence here is cherished and I hope you enjoy going on this journey with me. Thank you. I love you.

Yours ephemerally,

Caitlin ❧

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