I felt this - been thinking a lot about being perceived lately. It’s strange how much more exposed I feel writing nonfiction and fiction, like there’s nothing to hide behind. Poetry is both more revealing and concealing, it feels safe. Thanks for sharing Caitlin 🩵
There’s so much I love about this. Let’s go through some lines:
Literally every bit of the first paragraph but namely:
“My fingers, well-trained in self-destruction, work tirelessly to turn mounds into craters.”
- When I read this, I knew the rest of the piece would be a work of art. It’s so cool to see minds think this way. That is some raw, heartfelt creativity.
“I often spend half an hour in front of the mirror in the blink of an eye. I would hate to know how much time I’ve cumulatively spent picking apart my reflection — I have no doubt it would terrify me.”
- I love the introspection this offers. You never really take a step back and think about it this way, and you pointing this out allowed me to do that. So cool.
“I’m wonderful at writing around a point. Better at isolated specificity. Well-versed in deception. As soon as I step back from the page, my disembodied mirror, and view the piece as a whole, I struggle to know where to look. Instead, I pick out the flaws and coax the rough edges into something smoother. If I squint, everything appears cohesive. But I can never look the story in the eye.”
- To be honest, I prefer this type of writing. Everyone knows what a bush is. But if we beat around the bushes, it forces the reader to think and go on an adventure to make out what it is that we’re trying to hit. Many of the most compelling essays I’ve read takes this style of writing and I would say you are masterful at it.
“This is an intimacy I’ve distracted myself from for as long as I can remember. One also wonders, were humans ever meant to look themselves in the eye? Or is it a privilege meant only for others? On one hand, I’m faced with pathological self-avoidance, and on the other, an insatiable curiosity for depth and self-awareness. I can’t help feeling that this sword is double-edged, this gun, double-barrelled. To what extent should one be willing to “Know thyself” — are we to know our limits or our souls?”
This sealed it. I’m recommending this to my mentor at Duke and Chapel Hill. He’ll love this.
Oh wow Noah, I’m absolutely speechless. Thank you for writing to me with such a thoughtful response, it’s made my day 🥹 I hope your mentor enjoys it too!! 🖤
“But more recently, I have dipped my toe into essays and fiction, and I’ve discovered that the veil I hide behind when writing a poem only serves me so well in other written forms. I’m wonderful at writing around a point. Better at isolated specificity.”
god, as someone who’s only recently returned to essay writing after focusing exclusively on fiction and poetry, this rings all too true for me! when writing about myself in poetry, i’m expert at obfuscating that self from myself. but there’s something so uniquely blunt about essay writing—something that somehow makes that same attempt at obfuscation only all the more revealing of the self. i’m currently working on a personal essay that has proven to be quite the challenge because i’m not very used to looking at myself in the mirror with such emotional scrutiny.
“Much like when faced with my humanity in the mirror, I shy away from the soul of the stories I draft on the page. It scares me to look myself, and my stories, in the eye. It unsettles me to hold my gaze. This is an intimacy I’ve distracted myself from for as long as I can remember. One also wonders, were humans ever meant to look themselves in the eye? Or is it a privilege meant only for others? “
This captured the feeling like a net does a fish, Caitlin. How beautiful. I think there’s a Pessoa quote that talks about how mirrors are an aberrant invention because man was never meant to see his face so often; previously, to see it, he was forced to assume the humble position of kneeling over a river, even then the look of it distorted. I think the ease with which we can now look at ourselves and our art under a microscope is part of what makes the experience so uncomfortable. this was intensely relatable and so wonderfully penned <3
Thank you Anisa 🫶🏽 I love the notion of self-perception as humbling; in the past it was the attempt itself that humbled us, and how the clarity of the details we’re faced with.
I felt this - been thinking a lot about being perceived lately. It’s strange how much more exposed I feel writing nonfiction and fiction, like there’s nothing to hide behind. Poetry is both more revealing and concealing, it feels safe. Thanks for sharing Caitlin 🩵
Absolutely, something about how stripped back the narrative feels is so raw. Poetry feels like a cocoon to retreat to. Thank you for reading Kaya 🖤
There’s so much I love about this. Let’s go through some lines:
Literally every bit of the first paragraph but namely:
“My fingers, well-trained in self-destruction, work tirelessly to turn mounds into craters.”
- When I read this, I knew the rest of the piece would be a work of art. It’s so cool to see minds think this way. That is some raw, heartfelt creativity.
“I often spend half an hour in front of the mirror in the blink of an eye. I would hate to know how much time I’ve cumulatively spent picking apart my reflection — I have no doubt it would terrify me.”
- I love the introspection this offers. You never really take a step back and think about it this way, and you pointing this out allowed me to do that. So cool.
“I’m wonderful at writing around a point. Better at isolated specificity. Well-versed in deception. As soon as I step back from the page, my disembodied mirror, and view the piece as a whole, I struggle to know where to look. Instead, I pick out the flaws and coax the rough edges into something smoother. If I squint, everything appears cohesive. But I can never look the story in the eye.”
- To be honest, I prefer this type of writing. Everyone knows what a bush is. But if we beat around the bushes, it forces the reader to think and go on an adventure to make out what it is that we’re trying to hit. Many of the most compelling essays I’ve read takes this style of writing and I would say you are masterful at it.
“This is an intimacy I’ve distracted myself from for as long as I can remember. One also wonders, were humans ever meant to look themselves in the eye? Or is it a privilege meant only for others? On one hand, I’m faced with pathological self-avoidance, and on the other, an insatiable curiosity for depth and self-awareness. I can’t help feeling that this sword is double-edged, this gun, double-barrelled. To what extent should one be willing to “Know thyself” — are we to know our limits or our souls?”
This sealed it. I’m recommending this to my mentor at Duke and Chapel Hill. He’ll love this.
Really loved this!
Oh wow Noah, I’m absolutely speechless. Thank you for writing to me with such a thoughtful response, it’s made my day 🥹 I hope your mentor enjoys it too!! 🖤
“But more recently, I have dipped my toe into essays and fiction, and I’ve discovered that the veil I hide behind when writing a poem only serves me so well in other written forms. I’m wonderful at writing around a point. Better at isolated specificity.”
god, as someone who’s only recently returned to essay writing after focusing exclusively on fiction and poetry, this rings all too true for me! when writing about myself in poetry, i’m expert at obfuscating that self from myself. but there’s something so uniquely blunt about essay writing—something that somehow makes that same attempt at obfuscation only all the more revealing of the self. i’m currently working on a personal essay that has proven to be quite the challenge because i’m not very used to looking at myself in the mirror with such emotional scrutiny.
Agreed! There’s an honest chord you have to strike with yourself before you can strike it with your audience.
this was so relatable and so gorgeous! you really have a way with words!
Thank you Madeline 🫶🏽
I stepped out of the internet for a while, so happy this was my first Substack read. Marvelous as ever, Caitlin x
Awww thank you darling, I hope you’re well xx
“Much like when faced with my humanity in the mirror, I shy away from the soul of the stories I draft on the page. It scares me to look myself, and my stories, in the eye. It unsettles me to hold my gaze. This is an intimacy I’ve distracted myself from for as long as I can remember. One also wonders, were humans ever meant to look themselves in the eye? Or is it a privilege meant only for others? “
This captured the feeling like a net does a fish, Caitlin. How beautiful. I think there’s a Pessoa quote that talks about how mirrors are an aberrant invention because man was never meant to see his face so often; previously, to see it, he was forced to assume the humble position of kneeling over a river, even then the look of it distorted. I think the ease with which we can now look at ourselves and our art under a microscope is part of what makes the experience so uncomfortable. this was intensely relatable and so wonderfully penned <3
Thank you Anisa 🫶🏽 I love the notion of self-perception as humbling; in the past it was the attempt itself that humbled us, and how the clarity of the details we’re faced with.
It definitely felt vulnerable sending it out, but knowing it has resonated with people has made it worthwhile. Thank you for reading it!!